All of this to say....

Is it ok that everything I have stood on in the past is seemingly crumbling? That I don’t know what to believe and what to laugh at? I think it might be. Do I think I’m the only person to have ever questioned things before or been shocked at their government? That’s laughable in itself. And they still get up and go to work. It is tempting, however, to ask how work matters when everything I know I don’t know. Well since I’m not paying for my own food I can’t really understand this, but most people would say “because we need a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.” There is still beauty in life, still sweet love that is waiting for me, still sunsets that rise and moons that sink, the call to prayer still goes on, and papers still have to be written. I think it is very modern to want black and white in all issues (“there is so much more in love, than black and white….”), and we have not been taught how to live with degrees of uncertainty. It’s ok not to know all the time – we’re never going to know everything anyhow! I think I escaped this concept so much because I was so entrenched in the sciences. Opinions don’t matter there, only facts. A deeper learning in my theology classes was probably one of my first encounters in living with tension. We cannot place God in a box, claiming we know whether His sovereignty or our free will plays out more in the world. This is just one of things we must live in tension of not knowing – celebrate even. So is religion and politics, it seems like. While some things can be absolutely true (“Will currently lives in Quito”), there are others things we will probably just never know or even claim to know (how does the trinity really work?). This is ok, I’m beginning to understand more. The world is not held together by me, so it’s not necessary that I know everything. There’s a song that talks about beauty being found in a breakdown, and I think this is an excellent assessment. No one likes being beat up (except masochists) or having things stripped from them, but I think this might be another place that we can find beauty if we are looking. The more we allow to be defined as beautiful, the more beauty we experience. Some things will never be beautiful (sin, genocide, assassinations, etc), but perhaps there are more elements of beauty in what most humans experience on a daily basis than what we normally acknowledge. I was told that marriage can either be a constant fight about who is right and whose childhood was better, or a celebration of differences and a journey to discover more about those variations and what works best for both of you. While it’s a little difficult for me to think about learning that Will might think it’s the woman’s responsibility to always take out the trash and then approaching that situation as “oh, well isn’t that an interesting difference!”, I think that is can be an overall approach that constitutes a healthy marriage and a healthy life. I realized this more fully today as dusk is falling, the call to prayer is sounding, and I am standing on my balcony. Yesterday I hated Egypt in the sense that it is keeping me from being where Will is, and today I looked out over the street I call home and realized how blessed I am to be here and experience what so few are able to. The same concept applies as well in my reaction to the plethora of attention from men here (I was asked to get married last night on my walk home). It’s my choice – I can choose to be upset or to laugh it off. I am in control of my own response and emotions (well, theoretically over my emotions, I suppose), and why would I choose to be upset? It’s like greedily eating the servant’s porridge and ignoring the feast set for a king. And so the same attitude can be applied to what I’m experiencing now. I can either lose my sanity coming to grips with a world I was blind to before, or I can marvel at the adventure my mind and heart is on, realizing few people are as privileged as I am to even contemplate such notions unrelated to substantive living.